Rounding up 2014

I know I say this every year, but I really cannot believe that one year has gone past us yet again and I'm about to be a year older. 2014 definitely has its ups and downs for me but my optimistic self would say that, this year has been a Year of Revelation for me. I've learnt many things about myself, mostly what I like and dislike, and have become more in-tune to my own opinions and thoughts. In other words, I would like to think that I tend to vocally voice out my feelings more so now because I feel like I'm not being restricted in any way anymore - which is always a good thing.

Many probably know this, but I went through quite a major break-up at the start of the year. I know right, what a way to start the year. But what most people don't know, is the number of sleepless nights I've had right after, the dilemma my heart went through, the heartaches, the tears that never ever want to stop and how I cried myself to sleep and wake up every morning to choked tears. I wasn't crying because I regretted my decision towards the break-up. I was crying because I know very well that I've lost a very good friend (and mutual friends along with that).

We spent a good 5 years together.

We laughed at each other, bickered with each other almost every other day, ate loads together, and I want to stop there because I only want to remember the good. Maybe there was a nagging feeling in me a few years down the road that this wasn't gonna work out but I'm the sort that will always persist till the end so yes, I know you call me a quitter, but I want to tell you that, I am extremely sad I wanted out as well but it was the only way I could be happier. I know I was holding on for all the wrong reasons aka losing a bunch of friends I've come to cherish because I know that they will wanna protect you. It was the reason why I cherish this bunch so much in the first place, the feeling of being protected. I could let everyone talk me into thinking that they aren't worth it if they let a breakup between two mature adults get in between a good old friendship with me but I know deep down, I'm also protective of you guys and I have loved every single moment spent and I should tell myself that, it's enough for me and that I hope you all remember me.

One fine day I woke up and I knew there and then that I was at a better place. I stopped crying and knew that it's all gonna get better. Life throws you into the deepest ends just so you can get back up again. I started making an aggravated effort to reconnect with a lot of old friends and making new friends. People I talk to around me subsequently got really concerned that I was still in a state of not being able to let go of my old friends. Well, it's kinda hard if you've been hanging out with them for a great 7 years. I was always trying to use words to protect them and saying some sort of generic crap to dissipate the fact that I was really affected by it. Everyone probably knows that, but they let me go on and on about it anyway.

Hanging out with different people did help though. I start to realise that I'm meant to be the free-spirited sort. I don't like people telling me what not to do and I want to get to understand many things and many people at that. Thank you to everyone I've subsequently met on the way because you guys, in a way or another, have brought out a side of me that I needed to know about myself. Thank you for being blunt with me and telling me the truths that I never wanted to hear but probably already knew so myself as well.

I'm not a social butterfly myself, but I wouldn't consider myself a difficult person to get to know or talk to. Simply put, I'm quite an open book. You can ask me about everything under the sky and I will give you my own reply, straight up, not coated with anything else apart from some tact. I've realised that's what I like about myself and that's what most of the people I've come to call my friends like me for so I probably am not going to change that for the world. Thank you boys for treating me like a 'brother' and including me in random house parties, whereby I know no one and for all the nights out and all. Contrary to popular belief, I think that you get to be more like yourself when you're out with people you've no clue about because they don't know you hence, they have no impression of you to base you on. 

Not as if I'm not already a very lonesome person myself, I felt like this year, eased me even more to be in my own skin. I even more cannot be bothered about what people I do not care for, think about me. I mean, there's so many people in this world, there's bound to be someone who doesn't like you for you, so why let it bother you? I did many many things myself and I loved it. I would go out alone and wouldn't shun people away with a disgusted awkward face when strangers talk to me. I would tell people in mrt trains that I like what they're wearing or hand chocolates to little kids on the streets, help an old lady carry her shopping up the stairs, just because I can and just because I like it. 

Went travelling alone to London and Paris and it opened my eyes to so many things and allowed me to experience so much. I feel like I probably won't get to experience this to such a great extent if I were to possibly be travelling w someone for the entire day cos there's the need to accommodate. I cannot put them into words but in short, it's so great to be in control of your own time and space - that I've learnt.

Sadly though, I'm still not a very confrontational person. I only say this in the context of some very great girl friends of mine cos I usually just say whatever the heck I want in front of the boys and I know they won't take it to heart. It's slightly trickier when it comes to girl friends I guess. I haven't exactly found a good ground between being up front and not having to worry about upsetting them. I would like to think that it's most probably obvious whenever I'm pissed about certain things because my face usually shows it, but then again, nobody will really know your thoughts unless you spill them out.

I would like to think that I've influenced my mom to not just scream at me whenever something goes wrong and to be open with our feelings through texts. I will text her when I'm angry about a certain thing but also knowing that, her reply will always be one-sided. Up till today, I wouldn't know how the three of you at home manage to be so oblivious about certain things that even strangers who don't belong in the family realise, but not you yourselves. I still, pray every single day, that someone will wake up slowly. It's kinda sad that my aunt has to be the one doing the consoling only because she's the only one that noticed my sadness whilst the ones at home, one probably doesn't notice and two probably don't care. I have to be told by people and my aunt to just live with this pain, can you imagine?

I've also come to know very well that, I'm very appreciative of people who are generous, who aren't stingy with money and aren't afraid of sharing, people who would go distances for you just because you matter that much to them. I've friends who would drive me home even though they stay up extreme north and after dropping me home, have to send their other half to the extreme east of where I stay. I didn't ask them to but they would. People who would go out of their way to meet me for dinner, and not only because it's somewhere that's convenient for them. People who would accompany me to the hospital so I don't have to see the doctor alone whilst being blind and those that will come visit me at my place after work or during the weekend. I'm super appreciative of it and I generally tend to be extra nice to people who are nice to me because I believe in giving and taking. I would be the unconventional one to treat guys to meals just because they have been paying for drinks and covers on our nights out. I guess I just tend to veer towards people who are like a reflection of me in a way. Because of that, I also get disappointed w some people sometimes but these are things that I can't exactly help either. Just put more effort in people who put effort in you I guess. 

Here are just some people I would like to give special mention to in the year of 2014:

J

Actually, there's not much to mention but the mere fact that we probably didn't have a proper closure. I truly hope you've been well and whenever I hear of people telling me you've been doing good, I still feel proud of you. I never wanted for us to drift apart this drastically, with all the fb unfriending and all, but I will respect it if you wanted to cut all ties with me. I guess it's working in a way, because things that I still feel for and care for with regards to you, I'm beginning to get a little indifferent about. I'm glad that you're happy now and that you're at a better place too.

E

It was short but I can't deny the fact that you've made me happy. Thank you for always wanting to stand up for me in every way possible and showering me with all that care and affection whilst it lasted.

Dancers

I love you girls. Thank you for supporting me and seeing me through the worst times I've had this year. Char, thank you for allowing me to phone you at the most ungodliest hours and listening to me cry. Co, thanks for going out for drinks with me and being the one "in the same boat" as me once upon a time. Xw, thank you for telling me some of the truths I needed to know. Can't do without you all so thank you for just simply being there for me.

Jols

I just wanna say a great big thank you for all the homemade goodies you've gifted me with and always singing me with such high praises. You're right when you say that you always end up not posting photos of us or your best friend being together cos we spend most of our time chatting properly and catching up instead of taking Instagram worthy photos haha. Thank you for being so similar in so many ways and sharing so many things with me.

Nat

I'm super super thankful that we got to reconnect with each other through Karaoke lol. You're the most independent friend I know and I can relate to you on so many basis because we face similar family problems. Thank you for going the distance for me nat, for being so generous and just so alike to me. I appreciate you with all my heart and I want to keep you with me forever.

Leon

We haven't known each other for very long but I'm amazed at the things you'll do for me as a friend, as I would to you. Thank you for including me in things and being as random as me. I love people who aren't afraid to meet strangers or feel awkward around people they don't know so you're definitely ranked high up on my friendship list. 

Alex

Thank you for all the K sessions and for including me and my friends in all your party party sessions. I'm sorry I didn't manage to get you a girl in the end lol but I'm sure you'll forgive me for it :D

Amy

Love talking to you and all our dinner and coffee sessions. Will definitely cater to your atas tastes more often haha. Thank you for being you and making the effort with me as well (:

Cass and Nette

Thank you girls for being there for me and all the random catching up over dinners, for not letting me feel like I'm alone in certain situations. Looking forward to more dinners!

Cher

Hi girlfriend, thank you for all the partying sessions and random catch ups too

Josia

As you would put it, "we are kinda in the same boat" lol. Thanks for meeting me for meals and allowing me to knock sense into you and actually listening to my advices. Hope they've all been helpful!

Alaric
For bothering to reply to all my nonsense online. You're still the busiest person I know and the hardest person to meet up with lol

The Bartenders

For letting me feel at home whenever I come to visit and allowing me to talk nonsense to all of you.

Jav

For never changing and always being the same whenever we do get to meet up.

Aunt Janet
Thank you for noticing all my fb and instagram posts and willing to go out for lunch with me and listen to my problems. Only family will understand and I'm glad I have you as family.

For the year of 2015, 

I hope things between certain people will be merrier. That time really heals everything. I hope to meet more lovely people that will make an impact in my life, to meet like-minded people, and people who are generous and won't stinge on me. I wanna travel and learn everything I could learn from others like a sponge and take the time to connect with people and not let social media take over everything.

I'm not entirely sure what the next year will have in store for me, but whatever it is, I hope it's wonderful.

xoxo

Amelia